| My Account of My Own Self Worth
I am a 59 yr. old, married, mother with four siblings. My family has always been the most important purpose to my life. I have a 63 yr. old husband who took on the role of my full time carer 10 yrs. ago. We have been close in our 40 yr. marriage, he, being the only person in my family to have cared and taken any notice of me. Three of my children have moved away from home, leaving one daughter and her husband remaining with us.
My mother aged 82 yrs. is still alive. She and I never seemed close. Throughout my childhood, she placed many ideas in my mind. Things such as, I wasn’t wanted, or needed, or good enough. I grew up feeling no love in any form. Throughout my first years at school the relationships with older folk such as teachers was difficult, because I believed they saw me in the same way as my mother. I did, however, seem to be able to enjoy the company of people of my own age and playing with them. Through conditioning myself, I believed, teachers might like me and accept me if I worked hard and did well. This I did with great determination throughout my secondary school years. However, even though I did get on well, it never seemed to make me feel fully accepted, liked, or in any way happier. It just made me keep on trying to be.
At home no matter how hard I tried any effort was never either acknowledged or praised. I feared my mother, totally believing, she might one night murder me. This caused my guard and fear to always be in place. Waiting and watching for it to happen.
My father, a pharmacist, provided my mother with a reasonable high standard of living. He was a quiet, sad, man, never showing any emotion or anger. She treated him poorly. Even though he was totally, obsessed, and devoted to pleasing her and giving her the very best he could, his all, it was never enough to give her pleasure. I didn’t know why even he put up with it. He did for me what was basically expected of a father. Things such as going to parent’s evenings or the occasional outing. Something that was missing was that love I so needed.
My father, being, 30 yrs. my mother’s senior always seemed more of a grandfather. My childhood never provided security, protection, somewhere to feel safe in. My development could not grow as a child as needs were not met. A condition of lack of worth, was, growing and forming me, in becoming an adult.
At the age of 23 yrs. after the birth of my second baby, problems began to rapidly grow. I began self-harming. Never telling anyone until it got out of my control. Depression, confusion, self-hate and a great torment engulfed my entire being. Finally leading to being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, many times during my children’s lives. I hated it. My life stopped, trying many times to end it forever. It became common to be sectioned and taken away from the family, I loved so much. My children grew up being looked after by different people. This made me so upset. I hated me so much for doing this to them. My husband was my only ever visitor and friend. “It was all put on for attention”, my mother said. She’d have nothing to do with any of it, or help me. My father just did what she told him and left me to it. However, the intense love I had for my family, made me get, to not so long ago.
Then I was referred to a psychologist for what was meant to be a six week, one hour, session. Gradually, some 30 sessions more, I discovered myself. The ideas or beliefs my mother put into my mind, as a child, had caused lack of self-worth and value to develop. She conditioned me to feel no love and no value. I believe love was conditional and needed to be earned, i.e. by trying to do well at school. You can’t I found out, love is, unconditional, not to be earned. I feel real love now. It comes from my husband, children, friend, and amazing grand kiddies. I may even have begun loving myself, “no I’m not that bad person”. I do many good things and want to do many more. I have found a new condition of self-worth I want to live again, not die. Things still do, from time to time, go wrong. However, not in any way as bad, or go on for as long. I am learning through different approaches to cope to, having completed the psychology. A toolbox of coping strategies and mindfulness are part of these. By concentrating only on the present moment and nothing else make calming down, stress, and anxiety easier. It’s provided me with a time and space for recovering and relaxing from situations, or feelings. When any ideas of, say, unworthiness or depression occur, by, recognising them as that, then focusing on the now and here, they gradually become less. No longer do I let these ideas from the past go on to develop into a downward decline, as I would have before and lead into a full depression etc. this is taking a lot of practice and learning, but I am enjoying the process.
I now have a new, much happier and fulfilled life. Friend, relationships, socialisation, and family, are, all very much important, and part of this growth. Learning to see and love them in a real way. I have a goal or purpose to aim for. Helping to, help others with a mental health problem. They may be alone in a dark frightening place, unable to see, hope, or even an existence. This then could help me to feel ‘self-actualisation’ perhaps, I believe, many times.
Looking forward to achieving my goals. (soon). 2015 |
